How to Set Healthy Personal Boundaries
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Do you …
-Feel guilty for saying no?
-Allow people to disrespect you?
-Put others first, even at your own expense?
-Get overwhelmed easily?
If so, you need to set some personal boundaries!
Setting boundaries makes it possible to have healthy relationships and maintain your individuality.
In this post, we’ll discuss how to set healthy personal boundaries –an essential part of any self-care plan.
Download your Boundary- Setting Worksheets PDF
Includes:
-Boundaries Self-Assessment
-Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries Checklist
-Setting Boundaries in Relationships
-Types of Boundaries
-Set Boundaries Worksheets
-Boundary-Setting Examples
-Boundary Setting Affirmations
-Commitment to Myself
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are borders or limits that you don’t want someone else to cross.
When you set healthy personal boundaries, you are letting others know what’s unacceptable for you. You are taking responsibility for yourself by letting others know how you want to be treated and what you will not tolerate.
Your boundaries are meant to protect and safeguard your well-being, like a security system is meant to protect a home and safeguard everything inside.
You decide what your boundaries are, and others have to either respect them or keep it moving. By setting boundaries, you are taking responsibility for yourself, not the actions of others.
It’s your personal space -what do you want to allow in? What do you want to keep out?
Before defining your boundaries, it may be helpful to first think about what types of boundaries you need to set in your life.
Different Types of Boundaries in Relationships
In what areas of your life do you need to set boundaries? You may find that certain relationships are lacking boundaries, such as your:
-romantic relationships
-relationship with your parents/family members
-friendships
-relationship with in-laws
-boss/co-worker relationships
There are various types of boundaries you can set but here are some main categories:
Physical Boundaries
These refer to your personal space and unwanted touch or closeness. You have the right to your personal space, privacy, and the right to refuse to be touched on any part of your body at any time, by anyone.
Emotional Boundaries
You have the right to feel your feelings. Other people do not have the right to impose their opinions on you or make you feel bad for not sharing their emotions. You may also want to set boundaries around what you are willing to hear or be exposed to (for example, emotional dumping or other toxic behavior)
Time Boundaries
Time is your most valuable possession, and you must protect it. Consistently overextending yourself can lead to mental health issues including stress, fatigue, and burnout. Setting time boundaries (saying no!) will help prevent burnout and ensure that you make time for self-care. When someone asks you to make a commitment, think about whether you truly want to do it. If they’re pressuring you and you feel like you can’t say no in the moment, ask for time to think about it.
Material Boundaries
This involves your material possessions, including money. You decide whether you want to give or lend your things. This could also include boundaries you set with yourself to eliminate your debt or setting spending limits.
Why are Healthy Personal Boundaries So Important?
Setting boundaries is a form of self-care. Healthy boundaries help you to protect yourself and maintain healthy relationships.
Not setting healthy personal boundaries leaves you prone to physical and mental ailments by allowing things you don’t want into your life.
Boundaries serve many purposes, including:
-staying true to yourself/maintaining individuality
-getting the respect that you deserve
-making your needs known
-letting people know your expectations & avoiding misunderstandings
-living a healthy life|
-preventing resentment and regret
-keeping stress levels low
-clearing negative energies from your surroundings
-creating consistency/stability
-establishing your identity
-staying safe/protecting yourself (physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.)
-taking back/maintaining control of your life
Healthy vs Unhealthy Boundaries
Unhealthy boundaries = disrespect.
When you tolerate disrespect, you are sending a message to the other person that you are willing to accept mistreatment. Even worse, you are sending a message to yourself that you are not worthy of being treated well.
To the contrary, when you set healthy boundaries, you are letting everyone know (including yourself) what you are, and are not, willing to tolerate.
You have the right to protect your time, your energy, and your needs as a living being. You have the right to say no to things that don’t align with your priorities.
And you deserve to be treated with respect or left alone. When you set boundaries, you give others the opportunity to either agree with your terms or bug off.
Examples of healthy boundaries:
-saying no
-communicating your needs
-respecting others’ needs
-valuing your own opinions
-making time for self-care
-trusting your decisions
Examples of unhealthy boundaries:
-always saying yes and overextending yourself
-not respecting when someone else says no
-tolerating disrespect
-allowing someone to dictate your life choices
-not prioritizing your well-being
-giving up your interests/substituting your decisions for someone else’s
Why is Setting Boundaries So Hard?
If it’s hard for you to set boundaries, look to your underlying core values. For example, if one of your top core values is dependability, you may have trouble saying no, even if it’s not in your best interest because you want to be a dependable person.
*If you are interested in getting to know yourself and your core values, check out these self-discovery worksheets.
The truth is, you can be a dependable person and set boundaries. In fact, setting boundaries makes you even more dependable because you let others know up front exactly what you expect from them.
Setting boundaries is not selfish. Self-care is not selfish.
Taking care of yourself is an act of love not only for you but for all those you come in contact with during your life.
Only by practicing self-care (including setting boundaries) can you feel and perform your best.
You at your best is one of the most valuable gifts you can give your loved ones -- and the world at large.
Reasons for Not Setting Boundaries
Lack of Experience
Setting boundaries is a learned skill.
So, if you’ve never set boundaries before, it may seem scary.
Start small – for example, try saying no to an offer when you feel like you already have too much on your plate.
Don’t overexplain, you don’t need to justify yourself. Just say something like “I’d love to, but I can’t right now” or “It’s hard for me to say no but I have to this time.”
Low Self-Esteem
If you struggle with low self-esteem, you may need to work on your confidence before you’re able to effectively set all the boundaries you need.
But it’s helpful to understand that the two are interconnected -- once you begin to set healthy boundaries, your self-esteem will rise.
And then you will have the confidence to set more boundaries, which will again have a positive impact on your self-esteem, sense of self-worth, and self-love.
So, take that first leap of setting a personal boundary and enjoy the cascading benefits!
Fear
Fear of rejection, abandonment, conflict/confrontation, hurting someone’s feelings, being perceived as mean, controlling, selfish, etc. are all misguided reasons for not setting boundaries.
Those fears pale in comparison to living a life that’s not your own.
It’s ok if they get angry, it’s ok if they think you’re selfish – you are not responsible for other people’s feelings or behavior, only your own.
Remember that inaction is an action too. By not setting healthy boundaries, you are making a choice to constantly be at the mercy of others.
Lack of Self-Awareness
If you don’t know what your core values are, what you want out of your relationships, and how you want to be treated, then how can you set boundaries?
As you progress along your personal development journey, your self-awareness will deepen, and you will gain a better understanding of your needs.
As you evolve, you will be progressively better equipped to set boundaries that suit YOU.
No matter who you are or what you stand for, some will love you and some won’t … but those who wish to be around you must respect you.
Empathy
Highly sensitive people and empaths in particular may also struggle with setting healthy boundaries since they are so often willing to sacrifice their own well-being for the sake of others.
That’s why it’s especially important for these highly sensitive individuals to protect their emotional and energetic resources.
Trauma
If you grew up with mentally unstable, controlling, abusive, or otherwise toxic parents/caregivers, you may also feel guilty when setting boundaries.
Having your boundaries consistently violated as a child makes it harder to set boundaries as an adult.
Those who grew up in an enmeshed family may also feel guilty for putting themselves first.
Forbidden from developing their own identity and forced to meet the needs of their parent instead of their own, enmeshed children become codependent and unable to set healthy personal boundaries.
Enmeshment trauma often manifests in the form of:
-lack of confidence
-difficulty making decisions
-feeling responsible for others’ feelings
-fear of conflict
-toxic relationships
-low self-esteem
Limiting Beliefs
Society teaches us (especially women) that we must always be agreeable and self-sacrificing. When your self-worth is tied up with pleasing other people, you may feel guilty or selfish when standing up for yourself.
This limiting belief system based on people-pleasing must be unlearned and replaced with one that based on the truth – that you matter.
In fact, you should come first.
You may face other limiting beliefs when it comes to setting healthy personal boundaries. Here are some myth-busting truths to help you overcome them:
-self-care is not selfish
-saying no does not make you a bad person
-keeping the peace is not worth your inner peace
-loving someone does not mean doing everything they want
-setting boundaries does not make you a difficult, demanding, or rude person
-boundaries are not permanent; you are free to change them as you continue along your personal development journey
-setting healthy boundaries is not about controlling the behavior of others, but rather controlling what you accept into your life
When to Set Boundaries
It’s usually easier to set boundaries in the beginning before any expectations or patterns of behavior have been established.
When you don’t set a boundary early on, when it’s “something small”, it invites the person to continue overstepping your boundaries.
And the more they push, the more trapped you feel by your first decision to remain silent and pretend like their behavior is ok with you.
But the truth is it’s never too late to set boundaries. Even if you haven’t set boundaries in an existing relationship, you still have every right to at any point.
If they get angry, let them go! They’re just upset that they no longer have control over you for their own selfish purposes.
People who truly care about you will respect your boundaries. Toxic people who want to manipulate, abuse, or take advantage of you will not.
Those who love you will encourage your personal and spiritual growth. They will allow you the space to take care of yourself in the way you need.
Toxic people will stifle your growth and seek to control you with their selfish desires and opinions.
“They know your worth. They just hope you don’t.”
So, don’t feel guilty. Remember, you’re not saying the other person has to comply; you are simply telling them what you need. They decide whether they want to live with the boundary you’ve set or not.
How to Set Boundaries
Once you've defined your boundaries, it’s time to communicate them.
Keep it simple. Be clear and specific. Do not overexplain or justify.
Simply state your boundary and set forth consequences for crossing it. You could even plan what you are going to say ahead of time. For example, “If you continue to talk to me disrespectfully, I’m going to leave.”
Focus on YOUR needs and what YOU will do, not what the other person is doing. So, for example, instead of saying, “Don’t email me during work hours”, say “I’ve decided to respond to all emails after work, so I’ll get back to you then.”
If you are not used to setting boundaries, it may be uncomfortable at first. Do it anyway. It will get easier, and the more you practice, the more confident you will become.
If they cross the boundary, enact the consequence. This is really important.
If, for example, if you said you would leave if they continued to talk to you disrespectfully, then be prepared to do so. If you don’t, the other person will know they can continue to violate your boundaries without reproach.
Of course, that’s not to say that your boundaries can’t be flexible. Again, as you change and grow, so will your boundaries.
***If you are in an abusive situation or dealing with someone who has a psychological problem, it may not be safe for you to try and set boundaries with them alone. Please seek help if you are in danger.
Respecting Others’ Boundaries
Boundary setting is not only about you; it’s also about other people. You don’t have to agree with other people’s boundaries, but you have to respect them. We all have the right to autonomy over our own lives.
People can make decisions without your advice or interference. If you do offer unsolicited advice, don’t expect the other person to take it. They will ultimately decide what’s best for them and their life.
You can also respect someone’s boundaries accepting only what they share freely. Snooping, prying, and asking too many questions are all nosy behaviors that can make people feel uncomfortable.
You may not always be aware that you’ve disrespected someone else’s boundary. When someone informs you that you’ve crossed the line, listen carefully to what they’re telling you (including body language) and do not interrupt.
Once they’ve finished speaking, ask questions if there is something that you don’t understand. Accept the boundary graciously and remember how you’d like to be treated when you set your own boundaries. If you’re not ok with the boundary, be prepared to walk away.
Stay Committed to Communicating and Enforcing Your Boundaries
I hope this has helped inspire you to set healthy personal boundaries. Be sure to check out the Boundary-Setting Worksheets I created to go along with this post (available in the SelfCareby3DSuccess Etsy Shop).
What types of boundaries do you need in your life? Let me know in the comments!
